Ain’t Comin’ Out!

Ain’t Comin’ Out!
Don’t need the world to know,
Don’t need to let it show.

There’s a new me here,
Don’t matter if I’m queer.
I’m completely positive
I just gotta live.

Yes, I’ve been to hell,
No, ain’t livin’ in a shell.
But, no need to shout it out,
Cuz, I ain’t Comin’ Out!

Thank you, CoMeditator Dan, for enlightening me. Last Thursday, National Coming Out Day, Dan made an assumption about me, which wasn’t entirely accurate and I realized I needed to come out as a sort-of-Christian and sort-of-Buddhist. I’m both and neither. I stumbled like crazy, sounding confused and confounded I think, which is one of the early stages of coming out where we ourselves are trying to figure out what it is we ourselves really are.

In honor of that heroic moment, I spent a whole weekend coming up with a “Stages of Coming Out” blog and what a waste of time that ended up being. Who cares? Not only am I still figuring that process out, but also, I’m no social warrior — not yet anyway — and frankly, until I learn my own lessons, what do I have to teach? Yes, there are many stages to Coming Out (the most important for me being the discovery that coming out is for the benefit of others, not ourselves … by being honest, supportive and compassionate we can help them with what is actually their issues. But that comes long after the stumbling, I’m sorry but I’m a Xtian phase…). Yes, Coming Out is more than “I’m Here! I’m Queer!” but is more along the lines of “I’m something you maybe wouldn’t guess… and maybe you won’t be comfortable with…” Hiv + or -, Rich or Poor, Republican or Democrat, Christian or Not, Muslim or Hindu, Buddhist, self-employed or CEO, felon, homeless (although when I was, I said I wasn’t because home is where the heart is and I still had my heart. I told people I was “houseless”) or one of any zillion of things that we use to separate us into groups and use to separate us from each other. Truth is all of us got something we need to deal with and come out about, but true coming out happens when least expected, when all of us can laugh about it. When it’s an apology, or a concern, or a point of contention, we are not there yet.

A Coming Out Story

Last week I was looking for a new headset for our wireless monitors @ praise band. A couple was blocking my view of the sealed display case (bad headsets at Walmart. They been runnin’ away!) and one of them apologized.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” I said, “next time you get in my way, I’ll just have to beat you up!” I cracked up laughing (imagine getting beat up by Miz Nelly) and they did, too. At some point, the mister said I’d better be careful or someone would sneak up behind me and grab me from behind. “OMG! Really? That’d be awesome. I’m gay and it’s been so long anything like that has happened I wouldn’t know what to do!”

LOL

That was discovery #1 for the weekend. Dan helped me see that it simply doesn’t matter. Of course, the opposite is also true. It really does matter.

Bottom line? Focus on what I came here to do. Is Channel Z worth anything? Discovery #2, a handwritten essay from back in channeling time where I discuss the ideas in Z0006 that the channel says I was thinking about, and finally, discovery #3 where I found my original compilation with comments, some of the missing channels and the dream that led to Z0006. I’ll tackle that next. For now, here’s one of the missing channels:

Z0004 – Channel Preamble

There was a “channeled preamble” to Z0004, and I still find it remarkable that now, 12 years later, I am really facing food addiction again. Who ever knew there could be such a thing? Ugh!

Z0004 – 2007.1030.0122.8430 – The Voice – October 31st, 2007 – Halloween

The difficulty you present yourself is a willingness to engage in knowingly unharmonic, unhealthy behavior. We eat that tasty snack, knowing that it isn’t good for us, that we really won’t enjoy it, that the fat gained, the upsy turvy toss in blood sugar levels, doctor’s orders, husband’s disapproving eyes, better food uneaten; all that is reminding us we are making a bad decision, but we do it anyway. Therefore, let us discuss the concept of bad decision and choice. Actually, go take care of your shower and eyes. Then come back briefly for us to discuss decision, choice, harmony and dischordance.

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