Over (and over (and over (and … ) … ) …)

I, Cycling

Rick, my roommate and best friend for many years, had this idea of recycling. He’d say that we would repeat the same events over and over and over, like we were caught in some sort of a time loop, until we learned the lesson we needed to learn.

I thought the idea was stupid. I told him so.

Yet, I watched him repeat the same mistakes over and over never “getting it”. He was always attracted to older — way older — silver haired men with big cars, big wallets and hiv for some weird reason. I begged him to please not. Or at least not have unprotected sex. He didn’t listen. First came his relapse, then mine, then his conversion to hiv+, then another relapse of mine, then his and back and forth and back and forth. Or is it round and round?

Today, I think his idea is brilliant. I wish I could tell him so.

Me, Re-Cycling

His idea came back to me one day as a brilliant flash. My life as that bright snapshot seemed to be an impossible carbon copy of an event from almost 20 years earlier.

Here is the image:

I am a few years into a PhD program. When I initially matriculated I loved my book studies and enjoyed the research program I had chosen. But somehow I’ve said “yes” to other’s suggestions, instead of following my gut-feelings, and I’ve ended up in the lab of a young Russian Jewish Assistant Professor as their first graduate student working on a project I don’t enjoy and I’m not good at. 

I escape into sex addiction, which leads unexpectedly to drug use. At the same time, I get into a long-distance relationship with an anti-drug boyfriend. They ask me, or I volunteer (I’m not sure which), to give up the PhD and apartment to move down south with them. I do and in the end lose everything, not just the PhD.

At the time of the flash-back, everything in the first and second cycle were almost identical. It was the “first graduate student of a Russian Jew researching an applied biophysics/molecular biology problem that I was uninterested in and consequently no good at” that seemed to be too much of a coincidence to discount the concept of “re-cycling”. There was one difference during the flash, I hadn’t yet quit the PhD program and moved, nor had I lost everything. But, you can guess what happened. I did and I did. Second time a bit worse, however, as I ended up homeless and jobless.

What’s odd is not Einstein’s (supposedly) and AA’s (actually) definition of insanity as “repeating the same mistakes but expecting different results” but rather the opposite. I knew in that flash instantly that everything would end tragically, that nothing would be different, but I did it anyway. Let’s bury within this blog two incredible truths.

  1. A simple truth is simply true. It’s opposite is false. A great truth is a truth whose opposite is also a great truth.
  2. Example:
    1. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes but expecting different results
    2. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes but not expecting different results (and doing it anyway)

End of the Circle

Perhaps a new cycle began that last time. I haven’t had another PhD attempt with a long-distance relationship entering near the end, but, I ended up being homeless and jobless again.

To be frank, I’m at a point in my recovery cycle that I’ve been at before and it’s always ended in relapse. If this blog disappears or fades away, that means my recovery and my life has disappeared or faded away with it. I’ll be homeless and jobless, high as fuck and living on the street somewhere doing God knows what. Well, I know what. Ick! To think about the who-I’ll-be-with and what-I’ll-be-doing! OMG.

When I was a teenager. I had a vision. I knew I would be the end of our family. I remember saying “I will never have children. It will end with me.” I didn’t understand what I was committing to, but I felt it with my very being. I feel it now in a way I can’t even describe. I am the end of something and the beginning of something. Human, but not human. That is a great truth.

We have been pussy-footing for too long. The time has come for us to grow up as individuals and as a world. It starts with me.

Z0005 happened, which scared me as much as my first three channels (the early ones). I paused, then decided to throw myself into channeling. That is what will come next. But this circle ends here at Z0005. I don’t quite understand what I’m feeling or thinking. As far as a channel goes, I know it’s the shortest. Probably the strangest. I can’t say I believe it. And yet, I wonder nevertheless.

Z0005

2007.1101.1005z0005

Larz, in fact, you are the source. Imagine this. Bored having created everything there was to be created, done everything there was to be done, been everything there was to be been, you duplicated everything exactly, in perfect mirror image, but with one minor exception. You turned the other into the object of your love. And you emptied that object of all thought, of all sense, of all perception, of all judgment, so that it could be free to experience the joy of creation all over again. That it could be an empty vessel to refill with the never-ending source of love, so that its emptiness could be the blank canvas upon which the story of all that is could be told again.

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